Wag! The Musical – Charing Cross Theatre

A scene from Wag! The Musical at the Charing Cross Theatre. Picture: Roy Tan

Wag! The Musical continues at the Charing Cross Theatre, London until August 24.

When you witness a show as repulsive as Wag! The Musical, you can’t primarily blame the actors, who are clearly doing their best – no matter how varied their attempts may be – with the material they have.

The first culprit of creating such dross is clearly the writer, in this case Belvedere Pashun (Grant Martin, Thomas Giron-Towers and Tony Bayliss also provide the music and lyrics). But perhaps the most guilty parties are the producers; those who thought it would be a great idea to finance such a project and unleash it on the paying public. So Paul Nicholas and Peter Frosdick at this point have to be named and shamed.

Rarely will you see such a huge, succulent turkey outside of the festive season. The dialogue is so unbelievably clichéd, it sounds as though it has been cobbled together by a group of unimaginative teenagers during a particularly uninspiring drama lesson. The songs are trite and unmemorable, the choreography from Alison Pollard, who also directs, is so dated it is laughable (yes, there were audible sniggers a few rows behind on press night), but the worst thing about this disastrous show is the comment it is actually trying to make about society.

Clearly, Pashun thinks that people who work in shops have had any shred of cynicism, sarcasm, morality and indeed intelligence surgically extracted from them on their first day on the shop floor. Lines such as, “Help this small town girl find her place in the world” are sung in all seriousness. The shop girls watch Loose Women and quote from glossy magazines without a hint of irony – and, worse still, the tone of the whole thing is also alarmingly misogynistic.

Some of the wags refer to their ‘working-class roots’ and how money is the only thing that matters to them. Most are united by the opinion that they will use their looks to secure a man, use his money to maintain their looks and turn a blind eye if he is unfaithful. There is no comic punchline – the audience is just supposed to laugh at their grotesqueness. The Welsh character Charmaine is a particularly humourless, ugly caricature. Any Welsh person in the audience would probably need a cleansing shower after witnessing Nia Jermin’s portrayal – it is easy to be outraged on behalf of the whole of Wales.

Obviously with the title Wag! The Musical, nobody goes along expecting Pinter, but the uninitiated might think along the lines of Legally Blonde-style, knowing self-mockery and charm. But no, all that is on offer is an ill-judged, vacuous, hideous excuse for a musical – unappealing at every level.

The lead roles of Jenny (Daisy Wood-Davis) and Sharron (Amy Scott) are vaguely reminiscent of the Birds of a Feather duo, lacking the comedy or charisma. Sharron in particular has a difficult story to deal with – an ill-conceived exploration of domestic violence, which includes a multitude of painful, clichéd phrases to indicate her reluctance to end her relationship.

The cast and crew must know this show isn’t going to be listed at the top of their CVs, and Tim Flavin’s excellent approach as shop manager Mr Frank is just to camp it up with abandon. Lizzie Cundy as wag Zoe, although hopelessly wooden, does seem to be enjoying herself too and Alyssa Kyria’s Greek wag Ariadne’s witty lines, contrasting with the rest of the script, make you think she is probably ad-libbing.

Don’t be fooled into thinking this show sounds so bad that it’s good, or worth watching. It is not.

If this is the face of new musical theatre, then the industry is doomed.

 Catherine Usher